Where to start… So much to talk about! Some good and some bad… I’ll start with the good stuff. And, I’ll even use subtitles to hopefully make it easier on you!
Oh, Baby, Bay-bay!!
I’ve been meaning to write an update for weeks! Literally…. Because, two weeks ago, we started telling people. Telling people what?! Telling people that we are pregnant!!! That’s right, we are expecting a BABY!! (And right about now, we are in the middle of the 14th week.) And we are over-the-moon excited! Not like you can tell from this post or these pictures or anything… (wink, wink)
There are about a million more of these pics but I wont subject you to all of that! :]
After a Storm…
Why did we decide to wait the full twelve weeks to tell people? To put it plainly, we actually had a miscarriage earlier this summer. We weren’t very far along but, all the same, we were extremely devastated. I can tell you that even if you only knew you were pregnant for a week, the sheer number of dreams and hopes that you have for your baby are too numerous to count. And when every single one is suddenly stripped away, you are left feeling very much like you’ve lost a major part of yourself. Very hard. All we could do was lean on the Lord and trust that He had a plan. We don’t particularly like talking about this experience but I really felt that I needed to share because, well, this blog post is about fear and I’m going to come clean with you guys… I was (and still am) fearful!!
Immediately following our loss, all I could think about was what if we wouldn’t ever be able to conceive? In all honesty, I had been worried about that for quite some time. We hadn’t been on any form of birth control since Nick’s diagnosis and while we weren’t able to do certain things for months following his surgery, we had been not not-trying for months ever since. Because we had been told that chemo could easily affect our family plans, we had pre-emptively frozen some of his, ahem, gentlemen. So, I wasn’t so much worried about his stuff, (because we had backups just in case), but I really started to wonder about me. Especially after the loss, I just was so worried that I might not ever be able to carry to term… And that really scared me!
As always, Nick (the ever-strong, ever-faith-filled) encouraged me and told me that everything was in God’s plan. After all, I had been talking to him about the possibility of adopting for years and maybe that was God’s plan for us. I finally started to settle back into routine and well, then we got pregnant, again! And, this time, things seem to be going as they should! Yay! So thankful for God’s grace and patience with me.
Now, some updates on my wonderful, amazingly-handsome hubby…
Up until about a week ago, he was perfect!! (You can tell in those pictures, right?!) He felt great and we were moving along at a good pace getting ready for baby (read: snuggling on the couch and day-dreaming, and occassionally stressing, about being first time parents). On Thursday, we had his scheduled colonoscopy. Remember that one that I scheduled months ago? After all the excitement in the summer, I realized that they never called me to give me an appointment time. It turned out that SCCA forgot a couple things so they got us on the calendar quick.
Waiting to be taken back at UW Medicine, Sept 27.
Everything at the colonoscopy seemed pretty routine. They did find an ulcer near where they had removed his ascending colon last year and took a couple biopsies of it. Apparently, it could be cancer or it’s just that it’s an irritation from the surgery last year (we are believing it’s the latter) and we will find out either way soon enough.
After the colonoscopy, Nick pretty much felt fine. But, once the meds really started to wear off, he began complaining of a sore stomach. We had been told that some discomfort was to be expected after the test so we chalked it up to that.
Three days later, on Sunday night, as Nick was getting into bed I heard him yell in pain and turned in time to see him curl into a ball. My stomach immediately dropped. After what seemed like forever, he was finally able to tell me that he had rolled over and something in his right abdomen suddenly hurt horribly bad. I wanted to take him to the hospital but he settled down after a bit and we decided to see if he could sleep it off, thinking it might be a pulled muscle.
But, the next day things weren’t better. He was in a lot of pain, so we called the doctor and let him know that Nick was having sharp pains in his stomach on the right side and some pain in his right shoulder. They told us to come to the ER immediately. Obviously, we did what they asked!
After getting to the ER, they plugged in an IV, drew some blood, did some x-rays and then told us to hurry-the-heck-up and wait. And, wait we did. After hours, their conclusion was that it didn’t look like a perforation (or tear) of the colon but they didn’t really know what it was and advised us to go home, follow up with Dr. Loggie on Wednesday (now tomorrow), and let them know if it got worse or if he got a fever over 100.
That night, Nick started to look a little sick. He had a low-grade fever… But it wasn’t over 100. We were going back and forth on if we should call and ended up taking his temperature again. This time, it was back down to normal and he looked a little better. His stomach and shoulder still really hurt but we ultimately decided that we would stay home and rest up for the trip the next day.
To Sum Up
This morning was hectic. We were supposed to be at the airport at 9am but Nick wasn’t feeling well… then he was feeling a bit better… then he wasn’t. We did actually end up making it to the airport in time and Nick felt well enough to get on the plane, so we did.
Back to This Fear Thing…
Though I normally can keep myself calm and can put all my trust in God. Sometimes, I still fear. I fear for our little one. Worrying about everything every pregnant mama worries about (Will our baby make it to full term? Will I be a good mom? Will we be able to afford this?). And I worry about things that most pregnant mommies don’t have to worry about (When and how will we tell our child about dad’s cancer? How well will we be at traveling to appointments with a child in tow?). Sometimes, I lose myself completely. Especially at times like this… I think the worst.
On the plane today, I was reading from my now favorite mommy book (The Christian Mama’s Guide to Having a Baby by Erin MacPherson) and ran across this:
“Crippling fear is not from the Lord. Instead, it’s a tool that Satan uses to pull us away from God’s grace. So, when you find yourself over-taken by a bout of crippling, ungodly fear, your only recourse is to turn to the Lord and ask Him to fill you with His grace.’
‘When my heart was too heavy to pray, I read 2 Corinthians 2:9 over and over: ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness… My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness…’ Eventually those words sank in and my fears eased to trust. God’s grace truly is sufficient even when you are facing a daunting task like labor and delivery.”
Or like seeing your loved one in pain and being unable to help them… Or both. But really, no matter what you are going through or what you are afraid of, those words do apply. God’s power is made perfect, completely and infinitely perfect in our weakness. How amazing is that?
While I’d love to say that repeating a memory verse and praying incessantly will make all of your fears go away, I wont. Because I don’t believe that’s a true statement. There are things here that will scare us and things that will make us uncomfortable and that is just a part of this life. But, what a JOY it is to know that someday, we will be with Jesus in Heaven and there will be NO fear, NO pain, NO tears, and NO heartache? Hallelujah!
I think this was about the longest post I’ve ever written and I hope I haven’t rambled too much. I wont say anything more but I will share a couple of prayer requests (which may be obvious at this point).
1. Please pray for our little one. We honestly just would love to be blessed with a healthy baby and are hoping and hoping that we get that privilege.
2. Please pray that Nick’s pain subsides or that we can figure out the cause soon so that we can help him get better!
3. Please pray that Nick’s biopsy results from the colonoscopy are negative for cancer and that our appointment goes well with his oncologist tomorrow.
4. Please pray for my strength and energy. I am doing a good job of taking care of myself for the most part but have had a hard time finding sleep and remembering to rest with so much to do.
5. Please pray for our friends. We have a couple of close friends in their thirties who are going through tough times right now. Please pray that love and peace surround them!!